We had an interesting conversation the other day about, I guess, the everlasting issue in the parenting – how to make your kids to clean up their rooms. You know, when you tell your kids to do it, they come up with all kind of excuses and arguments: »It’s too much to do, it will take so long…«

What I found out is that many parents, even if they are usually patient and understanding, are frustrated with this. And despite all good intentions and the »training«, the rooms seem to be always messed and cluttered.

One way to deal with it could definitely be, that you don’t put any attention to it. That you just leave your kids alone. If they want to live in the mess, let them. If they don’t have nothing ot wear, I don’t care. But I’m sure we can agree that is not really a solution. Or at least not our, »law of attraction« way, when we want to focus on the positive and teach kids with good examples, not the hard and dirty way.

Do you know what first step in Law of Attraction is? To ask in a very detailed and specific way.

Not just telling them to clean up their rooms. For the children it would mean the same as if someone asks you to build a house. It could be really overwhelming and scary. And it’s not specific. If you would be asked to build a house, what would your first (logical) reaction be? You would ask all kinds of questions – Where? How big? What style? How many bedrooms? With a terrace? Etc.

It’s the same with the rooms. When you say “clean up your room”, your child doesn’t really know what you mean.
There are two other important issues that you must take into consideration.

One is to ask yourself for your own motivation and underlying feelings. Sometimes we just snap to kids because we got frustrated with some other issues. We came home tired and nervous and the kids are easy target. Maybe their rooms are not that messed, but we just need to take some control and let our own frustrations go.

Do you often use their rooms for punishment? If your child doesn’t spend much time in his/her room or if he is usually playing or doing homework in other areas of the house, he might feel the task of cleaning the room as a punishment. That’s why you might offer your support or help, but I’m pretty sure they won’t need it. Sometimes it’s enough that you are around.

Another issue is that often our own perception of clean and order is totally different from our child’s. We are looking the world through our own lenses. And our children can have a completely different idea what their rooms should look like. Remember that there are different types of people. And they are learning and experiencing the world in different ways – some like to read and see materials,, while others rather hear about it and some would try it for themselves. They are called the visual, auditory or kinesthetic type. You child might have a different view on the world and you should organize (or let them organize) their environment to support these preferences.

If I go back to the »ask« part. Be specific and detailed. Split one overwhelming task to smaller tasks, to little steps. Determine the milestones (just as any planning process) and let them do one thing at a time. Encourage them with some rewards, when they reach those milestones – offer a snack, some play time…

Good idea is also to limit the time. The children can’t really evaluate that sometimes a simple task requires very little time. They are usually in a defensive mode, feeling that it will take forever. But in reality often the arguments last longer than the tasks themselves. Make it fun and make it short enough. You can say: »Empty your trash bin and it will take you 3 minutes (and I can even measure time, so yu’ll be sure that it’s true and you will know for the next time), then you can go back to your games.« It will give them some control over the task with definiteness and a reward at the end.

When I ask my girls to tidy their rooms, I let them choose what they will do, but I often set a time limit. »Let’s do it for 15 minutes and what’s done is done.« It’s working much better than when they have a lot of time and usually it’s more done than in hours. And the best part of it is,that they often beg for more time to finish the task:)

After you get through your first step (ask), the other two – to believe and to expect the realisation – should not be that difficult, right?

How do you cope with this issue? What are your ideas, techniques…? Please share below.

Can you imagine what they are? No, I don’t mean cursing or calling him names. Those words that I have in mind are actually really polite, can be even nice and well-meaning, but they are deadly.

They will not kill your child, of course, but they will kill his ambition, his dreams and his motivation. And those are the things that we as a parents need to empower. What would happen to your child, when he grows up and find himself in the life with no future, no motivation, no inspiration and nothing to look after? He might just be dead as well.

And what are those 3 words?

You must

Whenever we say to our child “You must do something.” or “You must be something.” , we are giving him orders. We approach him from our authority perspective, giving him no choice whatsoever. When we say “You must…” the child understands it as “You better do this or…”.

There is always an alternative. We can ask a child to do something. We can suggest. We can explain, why we need something to be done.

You should

It’s similar to “You must…” It sounds a bit nicer, but still there are threats and expectations hidden behind those words. Again, the child understands it “It really doesn’t matter what you do, but you better do it my way. I am smarter here and I know what’s best for you.”

Why don’t you go through the option your child have together? You can discuss all the pros and cons and he can decide what’s better alternative.

You can’t

This one is the most vicious killer of dreams of them all. When we say those words, we are saying to our child, he is not good enough, not smart enough, not valuable enough. And often times that others are more important than he is. Because we don’t say “You can’t” just like that. Many times we think about our environment, our friends and relatives, or even worse, about the strangers, that might see our child doing something, we think he shouldn’t.

But guess what! All the great inventors, great adventurers, great men and women of our world… they all did, what they shouldn’t and what others said they can’t.

Give your child a wings, keep his dreams alive and avoid those 3 deadly words.

 Make it a New Year Resolution to eliminate those words from your vocabulary.

Need help? Check out Raising Sparkling Kids© program!

I would love to hear your thoughts. Post your comments below!

Related articles

• Love Daily: Words that heal, words that harm, Nov. 26, 2010 (ritawatson.com)
• 10 Most Important Things I Learned When Dealing with Children (gomestic.com)
• How to Say No in Language Your Kids Will Understand (socyberty.com)
• Child’s Play (greatergood.berkeley.edu)

When we face conflicts in the families (and of course in other areas of life as well), we approach them very differently. Do you make others accept your points of view by attacking them or do you try to avoid the argument giving away your own interests?

There are different ways to resolve conflicts. Look at these animals and see how they approach them:

A turtle hides itself in its shell to avoid conflicts. It thinks that it is best to stay out of the critical situation and the problem will go away or solve itself.

A shark is trying to overpower the opponents. It wants to win and reach its goals no matter what. It is not interested in other’s needs and wishes, but its own. It wants to be a winner and gets it with attacking and frightening others.

To bears the relationships with others are far more important than goals. They want to be loved, understood and accepted, therefore they would conceal the conflict to stay in good relationship with everyone..

An owl is appreciating its own and others goals, as well as the relationships. It sees the conflict as a problem that needs to be solved, and it seeks solutions that would make everybody a winner.

A fox compromises. It is ready to give up some of its own goals and wants the same from others. It seeks the middle way between both ends in the effort to find the agreement that is good for all.

Of course there are situations when we act one way or another, and we use different approaches for different situations.

But think about your behavior! What kind of behavior you use most of the time? Which animal would you choose that best describe your approach?

Are there any specific situations that you would be more compromising than others? Where are you giving your power and your voice away (as a turtle) and when are you attacking others (as the sharks)?

What about your family? Is there someone who always gives up her/his wishes to please others? Do you sit down and try to find the middle way that suits all family members?

Is someone always getting his way just because others don’t want to fight or they are frightened? Sometimes parents talk to kids that way, using their power to make the kids do or behave certain way. And eventually kids might become little turtles, hiding and avoiding conversations only to avoid any outburst of anger.

There are situations in family life where the compromises are out of the question (like any hazardous or life threatening situations), but most of the time it is about finding the middle way between different interests and goals. When doing so we show (and teach) our children that by openly talking about our expectations, goals and fears we can find the answer that would be win-win for everybody.

Share your thoughts and comments with others!

Related articles

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When I stepped into my daughter’s room all that I saw were papers on the floor, books scattered on the desk, bed unmade, crayons all around…

Luckily before I started to scream and yell at her I stopped and think. She knows that her room is her responsibility and even though I would love to have it clean and tidy, I decided not to intervene.

I rather though about other things she does around the house. That she just helped me with the dinner. And the day before she cleaned the windows in the living room. She cares really well for her bunnies.

When shifting my focus I was easily ignoring the mess in her room. It felt so much better to see positive things she does. Especially when I commented on her good work, she just lit up. So what do you think her room will be like in the future?

It could have been so easy to just yell. To pick on her for all the other things going on in my life.

Think about it! What kind of behavior are you focusing on? Do you see the positive or you are just looking for the negative? Do you see what someone did for you or do you see what he could do and didn’t? Or what you expected to be done and nobody read your mind? It is our choice. We choose which side we turn to. But the positive is always better. You just have to make the right decision.

To start, look around and see what you have. Notice the things that others have done, not just for you but for the family. Appreciate little things. Think about little steps you took. And finally identify the things that are all around us, but we all take them for granted. Feel the gratitude and raise your positive vibrations.

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When I asked my girls to do some simple stuff around the house, they immediately started complaining: You are giving us so much to do; it’s so difficult; it will take us whole afternoon; we are having school holidays and you are making us work and so on and so on…. You know how that goes?

Annoyed with their complaining I asked: “Those are really simple tasks like taking the trash our, how long do you think it will take you to do them?”

And of course they answered: “It’s so much work! We will do these for the whole afternoon”.

I said: “OK, let’s see.”

Then I prepared a table with tasks and left some space for notes. When they start performing those little tasks, I measured time and as you might imagine they did everything in 15 minutes. But it was fun and because of that it was not so difficult to do.

So, next time you want something from your kids, make it a challenge:

1. Measure how much time something will take them to do
2. Make a competition – who will be first to finish the tasks
3. Let them guess how much time will they need for the task and see how close they got
4. Set a time goal and see if they can perform within the specified time frame

Just like the kids learn through play and the play is their job, it will be so much easier if you make their “job” a play. Let them do something at their own pace and even their own way. As long as it is done what do you care how it is done.

Many kids start new school year at September 1st. A lot of them are waiting anxiously to meet their friends, but many are afraid to go to school. Maybe they are starting at the new school or they just don’t like their school and their “friends”. They might be bullied or ridiculed by their schoolmates.

What can you as a parent do about it? How can you help?

1. Listen to your child! If he or she complains about school, try to figure our what is really going on. Is he nervous about meeting new friends, maybe new teachers or is it something more serious? Does he have problems with the learning and thinks that he can’t cope with new stuff? Is he lonely and has no friends?
2. Attitude is everything! Let him think of different ways to see the situation. What good can it come our for him? How can the situation be viewed from different angles and different points of view. Think about many different ways. Try with many questions, especially that start with What if… For example if he is afraid of new teachers, try with questions like ‘what if you already knew this teacher?’ ‘What if the teacher was your friend?’ ‘What if this teacher likes you best?’ and so on. Think of as many different questions as possible.
3. Encourage your kid to come up with the solution! Now when you see the problem through different angles, what could he do about it? What steps can your kid make to come out of the situation as the winner? Let him think of different ways to cope with the problem. Help him find more ways to deal with it. There are always many solutions to one problem. It is important that he finds our his preferable actions, that he is most comfortable with. Of course you want to intervene if he comes with something negative or damaging.
4. Stand by Your child! Whatever he decides to do, encourage him to follow through. Help him with the action steps and encourage his willingness to improve the situation. Maybe some actions requires your cooperation or that you do something for him. Be there for him, but don’t do everything for him. Be part of the solution not its main part:)

When we have our own kids, we want them to raise into responsible, accountable human beings, but very often parents limit the children’ power to express themselves and to take charge. We tell them what to do and how to do it. Some parents might argue that we are trying to protect them from the dangers of the world, but by doing so we are taking away their control and self-esteem. Parents need to learn to give the kids responsibility for their lives.

Here are few ways how you can do it from early years on.

When the kids are really small they depend on you and your care. But as soon as they can do something by their own, let them do it. Encourage their trying and efforts. Just like we are enthusiastic about walking, speaking and riding a bike, teach them other smaller tasks like dressing up, eating, putting away toys etc. with the same enthusiasm.

With older kids give them more responsibilities. Send them to the groceries by themselves. Trust them with money. Let them do the laundry. They can prepare some food. There are millions of things that kids can do if given a chance.

Of course at first they need some time to learn, but with some trying and encouragement they will get better and better. What is really important is that they learn to trust themselves, to never stop trying. They should learn not to be afraid of failing. And they should believe that they have your support even if they fail or do a mistake.

When your kids are getting even older, you can ask them about their opinions. Include them in family planning. Let them decide about things that are important to them, of course within the family limits. At some point my daughter decided to wear two different socks. And as silly as it looked to me, I let her do it. She felt understood and her decision appreciated and that is much more important than looking “right”. What you should learn is to respect their decisions even of you think they are silly or stupid. Intervene only if it is threatening to their or others lives.

By giving kids opportunities to do things by themselves they will learn important lessons of self-respect, being responsible and trust-worthy. By going from the young ages with little steps, increasing the tasks and responsibilities, you will also learn to trust your kid that he will more likely reach the right decision when necessary. You can’t expect from your kid, that you are always telling him what to do, to become responsible over night. It is a learning process for both parents and kids and it is much easier when it is performed gradually and over time.

“Have great hopes and dare to go all out for them. Have great dreams and dare to live them. Have tremendous expectations and believe in them.”

Norman Vincent Peale

Do you remember your younger days, when you can be a teacher one day, the next day a policeman and then an astronaut another day? You could live in the jungle or at the sea bottom. And your imagination was vivid and limitless…

Did you imagine back then your own life in 10, 20 or even more years? Do you live now what you dreamed when you were a kid? If not, do you wish you would? I read it somewhere that close to 70% of the people are not satisfied at their jobs. I am sure that a large number of them wish they would follow their childhood dreams instead that of others.

But first of all one must know what he or she wants. How could he otherwise follow his dreams if he doesn’t know what they are?

What can you as a parent do to help your children find what they really want? How can you help them discover their dreams?

A good idea to start is role-playing games, where your kid can dress up in another person. Encourage different outfit and make up and even different accent. Playing as many different roles as possible is giving your child opportunity to learn about different jobs, vocations and personalities.

Especially when you act along or respond to his playing, you are teaching him of different situations and he should get a good idea what it would be like in that person’s shoes.

Of course it is not only a person that your child can imitate. He can be an animal and he can impersonate the animal’s characteristics. She can be a cartoon or movie character. She can create a character of her own, too.

Now, let the imagination take over. Help him describe the life of that character.

Where he lives? What country and city?
How would he describe his family?
How many children will have?
Friends?
What kind of house or apartment he lives in?
What things he will have?
What kind of a car?
Maybe a yacht?

You can always talk about different possibilities, even without outfit and make up. Visualizing and fantasizing about different places, situations and examples can be as much fun. It’s great activity when you are driving or waiting somewhere.

The most important thing a parent can do is to encourage kids to DREAM BIG. Be excited about his future and always ask for more details. Make sure to ask open questions (how, why, what, where…) and support long descriptions and especially unusual or creative thinking. If he wants to fly to the Mars, let him. It’s the imagination that drives the future.

Listen carefully and pay attention, maybe even record your child’s descriptions or let him draw it. Let your child know that every dream is worth living.

But be careful not to judge, put them down or even mock. First of all, it’s their dreams, not yours and so they should not be limited with your perception and your experiences. Secondly, always remember that your child should not live your dreams. Sometimes parents push the children to do something what they themselves failed to accomplish. It’s OK to support your child if he wants the same thing as you but NEVER try to put your own wishes before your child’s. It’s their life and their dreams and they are theirs for the reason.

*photo by Mehmut Goren, Turkey

I always tell my daughters to go for their dreams, to reach for the impossible and to always try the unknown.

This last one is especially true for the food. I am really proud that they eat everything – they love vegetables, fruits, even fish and mussels. I met many parents and they were complaining how their children are picky. And then when we discussed it, it turns out that they were picky too. How could they expect from children to eat everything when they are not?

I guess I was lucky because my father was always bringing recipes home from his business trips and my mother was a great cook, so we ate all kind of things. And that’s why I love trying new tastes and foreign cuisines. And so are my daughters. 

But it was not always like that. They resisted at first. Specially the younger Tina was always complaining, afraid of what she will eat. That’s why we usually go in the restaurant to try it for the first time. She is not objecting that hard in the public place:) And the food of course is great. If we add a (non-alcohol) cocktail, we make her day.

The other thing I am doing lately is that I order fresh vegetables and fruits from local farmers. There is a great new company that delivers farm produce once a week and you can choose from several “packages”. The “packages” contain different vegetables and fruits for a whole week. And as they pack the seasonal produce, sometimes there is something in the package that I usually don’t buy. Or don’t even know how to prepare. The farmers are introducing the “old” sorts that we almost forget that existed. And it is the same as the foreign food. We have to try it. And then we search the net and cook-books and look for the recipes to prepare the food at home. We improvise a lot. And have a lot of fun doing it:)

What is really funny is how Tina is against anything new. But once she tries it, she likes it a lot. The same goes for any other thing, activity or place. As she is afraid to reach out. I sometimes just push her to do it. Sometimes I argue with her. Sometimes I explain the positive side-effects. Sometimes I even tricked her to try.

I guess it has a lot to do with the limiting beliefs. Of being afraid to step outside the comfort zone. Even her self-esteem. And the food is the perfect example I can use over and over again to reassure her that their is nothing to be afraid. And that only after trying she can always decide to not do it again. She might even like it:)

How do you teach your children to try something new? How do you introduce something new to them? Are you willing to try?

I would really love to hear your comments and experiences.

“As a kid growing up in the back streets of Dublin I used to pretend I was playing in the World Cup with my mates out on the streets, and now I will be doing it for real.” Robbie Keane

You know me, I’m always looking for ways and opportunities to teach my children some valuable life lessons. These lessons are sometimes big and sometimes small, but they all add up to children’s lives.

And one of the games we play lately is Family Diner. I call it a “reality” game. Let me explain.

We were watching “Hell’s Kitchen” regularly and the kids loved it. I tried to ignore all of the cursing and bad words, but they knew them already:) We discussed the competition and cooperation of the contestants, how they fit together, what was their attitude and motivation.

And then after the show one day, the children asked to have our own Hell’s Kitchen, but without the supervision. Meaning that they will cook and serve the whole meal. I was really skeptical at first. What will we eat? Will they burn the house? But then I just let them do it. I was not even allowed to enter the kitchen. And they read the recipes, and then chopped, cut, mixed, stirred, cooked… It was really funny listening to them as they were discovering the world of kitchen. Of course they helped me before, but that’s different. They were on their own now:)

I even had to make a reservation for the table… lol. When they called me and their father, we sat down at the table. It was nicely decorated with flowers, napkins and everything.The younger one Tina has a little notebook in her hands and asked us for the drink and what we would like to eat. Of course we were smart enough to ask for the house specialities. She described all the dishes and we ordered. Then the older one Anja brought us wine. She opened the bottle and smelled the cork:) It was so cute. After that they brought the soup on the table, serving each of us. And then some Mediterranean pasta (pasta with olives, tomatoes, mozzarella and basil) and tomato salad. For desert we had some ice-cream, seasoned with almonds and hazelnuts.

Do you ask how I could remember this? We had so much fun, it’s really one of the fondest memories I have and since then they always cook the Mediterranean pasta, if given a choice:)

And we are playing this game ever since. Sometimes they cook and sometimes I prepare a meal and after I finish, they took over. We pretend to be the guests in the restaurant and they pretend to be waitresses. We really have so much fun.

And the best part is, that their self-esteem is growing. They feel appreciated. They also learn organzational skills. And I am grateful that I don’t need to do everything by myself:)

What are you doing to empower your kids? Do you play any role-game with your kids? I would love to hear your feedback and any comments or suggestions you might have.