Can you imagine what they are? No, I don’t mean cursing or calling him names. Those words that I have in mind are actually really polite, can be even nice and well-meaning, but they are deadly.

They will not kill your child, of course, but they will kill his ambition, his dreams and his motivation. And those are the things that we as a parents need to empower. What would happen to your child, when he grows up and find himself in the life with no future, no motivation, no inspiration and nothing to look after? He might just be dead as well.

And what are those 3 words?

You must

Whenever we say to our child “You must do something.” or “You must be something.” , we are giving him orders. We approach him from our authority perspective, giving him no choice whatsoever. When we say “You must…” the child understands it as “You better do this or…”.

There is always an alternative. We can ask a child to do something. We can suggest. We can explain, why we need something to be done.

You should

It’s similar to “You must…” It sounds a bit nicer, but still there are threats and expectations hidden behind those words. Again, the child understands it “It really doesn’t matter what you do, but you better do it my way. I am smarter here and I know what’s best for you.”

Why don’t you go through the option your child have together? You can discuss all the pros and cons and he can decide what’s better alternative.

You can’t

This one is the most vicious killer of dreams of them all. When we say those words, we are saying to our child, he is not good enough, not smart enough, not valuable enough. And often times that others are more important than he is. Because we don’t say “You can’t” just like that. Many times we think about our environment, our friends and relatives, or even worse, about the strangers, that might see our child doing something, we think he shouldn’t.

But guess what! All the great inventors, great adventurers, great men and women of our world… they all did, what they shouldn’t and what others said they can’t.

Give your child a wings, keep his dreams alive and avoid those 3 deadly words.

 Make it a New Year Resolution to eliminate those words from your vocabulary.

Need help? Check out Raising Sparkling Kids© program!

I would love to hear your thoughts. Post your comments below!

Related articles

• Love Daily: Words that heal, words that harm, Nov. 26, 2010 (ritawatson.com)
• 10 Most Important Things I Learned When Dealing with Children (gomestic.com)
• How to Say No in Language Your Kids Will Understand (socyberty.com)
• Child’s Play (greatergood.berkeley.edu)

When we have our own kids, we want them to raise into responsible, accountable human beings, but very often parents limit the children’ power to express themselves and to take charge. We tell them what to do and how to do it. Some parents might argue that we are trying to protect them from the dangers of the world, but by doing so we are taking away their control and self-esteem. Parents need to learn to give the kids responsibility for their lives.

Here are few ways how you can do it from early years on.

When the kids are really small they depend on you and your care. But as soon as they can do something by their own, let them do it. Encourage their trying and efforts. Just like we are enthusiastic about walking, speaking and riding a bike, teach them other smaller tasks like dressing up, eating, putting away toys etc. with the same enthusiasm.

With older kids give them more responsibilities. Send them to the groceries by themselves. Trust them with money. Let them do the laundry. They can prepare some food. There are millions of things that kids can do if given a chance.

Of course at first they need some time to learn, but with some trying and encouragement they will get better and better. What is really important is that they learn to trust themselves, to never stop trying. They should learn not to be afraid of failing. And they should believe that they have your support even if they fail or do a mistake.

When your kids are getting even older, you can ask them about their opinions. Include them in family planning. Let them decide about things that are important to them, of course within the family limits. At some point my daughter decided to wear two different socks. And as silly as it looked to me, I let her do it. She felt understood and her decision appreciated and that is much more important than looking “right”. What you should learn is to respect their decisions even of you think they are silly or stupid. Intervene only if it is threatening to their or others lives.

By giving kids opportunities to do things by themselves they will learn important lessons of self-respect, being responsible and trust-worthy. By going from the young ages with little steps, increasing the tasks and responsibilities, you will also learn to trust your kid that he will more likely reach the right decision when necessary. You can’t expect from your kid, that you are always telling him what to do, to become responsible over night. It is a learning process for both parents and kids and it is much easier when it is performed gradually and over time.

As you grow older, you’ll find the only things you regret are the things you didn’t do.

Zachary Scott

The other day, my husband was contacted by an advertising company to get our daughter Anja to a casting for a telecommunications advertising campaign. It was quite a surprise call, as it was Saturday afternoon and she never applied. Later we discussed it was probably the same casting company that filmed the ad at the swimming pool some time ago and back then Anja’s friend performed in it.

But as I might think she would jump at the opportunity, I mean, which teenager would not want to be a TV star and earn some money, she refused to go.

True, she was in the middle of the filming the modern version of old Greek mythological story about Orpheus and Eurydice for the school project and she was having tons of fun with her friend. But the opportunity like that would knock only once. She holds to her firm NO even at our long persuasions.

But later that evening she admited she was sorry not to go. She didn’t want to let her friend go, as she hardly finds much leisure time between the school and her swimming practices. She was afraid of not getting the school project done on time. She didn’t want to show off.

What surprises me at the end was, that she somehow let her decision to be her final saying. She just accepted that she made a mistake and let go. She didn’t want to contact advertising company maybe for another chance some other day. And I didn’t want to pressure her, but I feel, that if she was contacted, maybe she would have a chance and at least she could do one step towards it.

Is this a sign of maturity or stubbornness? Did she really let go or she just doesn’t admit she made a mistake? Should she fight for the job or wait for another oportunity?

What would you do? How would you help her? Please feel free to post your comments below.

“As simple as it sounds, we all must try to be the best person we can: by making the best choices, by making the most of the talents we’ve been given.” Mary Lou Retton

Do you have any predetermined ideas about your child’s ability and competence? Like he’s no good for math? Or he will never be good at sports?

I must admit when I saw my children grow, I created a picture in my head, that Anja (older daughter) will never be good at sports. She was fleshy. And clumsy. She dropped the ball even when thrown from close range. I was sure she would not even attend any sport.  But then she started swimming and she is good at it. She excels at the school athletic competition, and she loves to run. I was also sure that she would never sacrifice anything of her comfort for the sport. But then she goes to practice every day, sometimes even in the morning at 6 a.m. And her competitions took her all weekends, but she enjoys them.

On the other hand, younger Tina is a born sportswoman. From the moment she started to walk, she could run and she was always very quick to learn any sport like bicycling, roller-blading, badminton, basketball… Whatever she set her mind to, she could do it. But the problem is, she doesn’t want to.

So the one I was sure will be a great athlete, doesn’t want to engage in any sporting activity, and the one I condemned to the laziness, is a great sport.

I guess I got lucky enough to let them live their lives, to let them decide what they want and to listen to their wishes. And I am really proud of it!

But how often do we believe and say things, that are not necessarily beneficial to the child? Do you listen to your talk? Do you say to your child sometimes: “You’re lazy. You’re no good. You are stupid. What are you thinking? You will never get this…. ” Maybe not in these same direct words, but do you say things that your child can interpret as something like that? And do you encourage your child to engage in activities that you think will be good for him?

There was a research some time ago, when they told the teacher how one child is good in music, other in sports, yet another in math. Although they were not, she inspired each one of them to develop their “gifts” and they end up doing these things as their professions. Yes, I agree, it can be interpreted as a sample of positive enforcement, where the kids developed the “gifts” they were told to have. But that’s my point. We told them what they are good at. They didn’t make their own choices.

What do you think? Post you comments below.

I’m sure your immediate answer would be: “Of course, I do.” But do you really? Or do you believe in him only at certain occasions, whenever it is appropriate. Do you trust that he will do something that he’s never done before? Or that he is capable of doing something you think he is too young to do? Or that he can judge the situation by himself?

Whether you have small child or a teenager, there are always some tasks that you may find unsuitable or dangerous for the child.

I had a conversation with a friend the other day about children’s help in the kitchen.

I let my children help in the kitchen and cook the meals, even if I had to throw away some ingredients or even if we sometimes ate overcooked spaghetti or too salty salad. I trusted them with the knives at quite early age. They started with the salads and progressed to cooking and baking. Now when I am not at home they are totally capable of preparing the meal for the whole family. I am not afraid that they will cut themselves or that they will burn the house. Of course we had some accidents, but, hey, that’s life.

But on the other hand, my friend said that her daughter would really love to help, but she doesn’t have the time to wait for her, because the girl is too slow. By the time the poor kid does something, my friend gets the whole meal ready.

And this whole conversation makes me think, how we sometimes sabbotage our children with our own limiting beliefs. We do the things instead of them, because they are too small, too slow, too weak… We prepare their clothes for next day, we pack their bags, we cut their meat, we serve them food, we drove them to school, we study with them…

Believe and act as if it were impossible to fail. Charles F. Kettering

But actually we are doing it because we don’t have time, patience or positive beliefs in our children. We often think, that they would not do it themselves as good as we do. Oh, and sometimes it is too dangerous. I know, sometimes really is, but often times we are just protecting ourselves from more work and worries.

What are you doing yourself that you are limiting your child? Is it really helping your child? What message are you delivering to your child? Is it that he is not capable, competent, nor trustworthy? Or do you believe in him and give him a chance to prove it? Think about it!

“There’s only one way to succeed in anything and that is to give everything.” Vince Lombardi

You probably followed the Olympics at least to some extent. If you have children, maybe you prepared the Games at home, celebrating the Olympic spirit with some crafts, games and food. And I’m sure you set the athletes as an example of the motivation and inspiration to your kids. Even of following the dreams no matter what. There were quite a few examples of courage and determination, that go beyond normal sports competition.

But could we give a wrong message? Do you agree that maybe some dreams are out of the reach? And that sometimes they just take more than they give?

Let me explain. I watched Petra Majdic (being from my country, I watched even closer) ski-running. She was well prepared for the medal and she expected to get at least one. But then she fell and broke 4 ribs. She decided to compete anyway and managed to reach bronze medal, but after reaching the finish line, she collapsed with not only broken ribs but also punctured lungs. She was transferred to the hospital immediately.

Now that everything turns out just fine (although the season is finished for her) it looks like a brave thing to do. And that it was worth to take the risk. But what if she died during the race?

Would you allow your child to risk his own life to achieve something? Not risk like an accident, they can happen everywhere, but knowing that he gambles with life?

I know there are a lot of people put in the situations (even unintentionally) that can harm them and that a lot of world discoveries and inventions would never be available to us if there were no men who risked their lives. I am not saying you should stop trying or doing something, but where do you draw the line between risk and “risk”? 

This may sound just the opposite of encouraging the children to dream and reach for the imposible, but where is the limit? When do you stop?

1. Don’t spoil me. I know quite well that I ought not to have all I ask for. I’m only testing you.

2. Don’t be afraid to be firm with me. I prefer it, it makes me feel secure.

3. Don’t let me form bad habits. I have to rely on you to detect them in the early stages.

4. Don’t make me feel smaller than I am. It only makes me behave stupidly “big”.

5. Don’t correct me in front of people if you can help it. It’ll take much more notice if you talk quietly with me in private.

6. Don’t make me feel that my mistakes are sins. It upsets my sense of values.

7. Don’t protect me from consequences. I need to learn the painful way sometimes.

8. Don’t be too upset when I say “I hate you”. Sometimes it isn’t you I hate but your power to thwart me.

9. Don’t take too much notice of my small ailments. Sometimes they get me the attention I need.

10. Don’t nag. If you do, I shall have to protect myself by appearing deaf.

11. Don’t forget that I cannot explain myself as well as I should like. That is why I am not always accurate.

12. Don’t put me off when I ask questions. If you do, you will find that I stop asking and seek my information elsewhere.

13. Don’t be inconsistent. That completely confuses and makes me lose faith in you.

14. Don’t tell me my fears are silly. They are terribly real and you can do much to reassure me if you try to understand.

15. Don’t ever suggest that you are perfect or infallible. It gives me too great a shock when I discover that you are neither.

16. Don’t ever think that it is beneath your dignity to apologize to me. An honest apology makes me feel surprisingly warm towards you.

17. Don’t forget I love experimenting. I couldn’t get along without it, so please put up with it.

18. Don’t forget how quickly I’m growing up. It must be very difficult for you to keep pace with me, but please do try.

19. Don’t forget that I don’t thrive without lots of love and understanding but I don’t need to tell, do I?

20. Please keep yourself fit and healthy, I need you.

My daughter Anja was tested several years ago in the school and the tests showed she is at the top 3-5% of her generation regarding several aspects – creativity, logical thinking, math skills, leadership… And as such she is entitled to have personalized program to enhance and develop those skills and abilities.

First we (I) have to fight with school authorities as they did nothing about it. They tested her and that was it. I know I was really annoyed when the results was not known for several months. Or at least we were not informed about it. I really didn’t care about the results but I believe if they were doing the tests, we should know about the outcome. At that time my husband was (and still is) the president of the PTA, and he raised the issue several times. And to my surprise there were parents who wait silently for the results for over a year.

When we finally get the results and learned about the obligations the school have and possibilities there are in the school system, we managed to devise some sort of plan,  how we can enhance Anja’s abilities. Nothing special, as she is top athlete and it takes her quite a lot of time, but small things she can do beside her normal school homeworks and studies, like preparing the presentation about swimming, attending math and science competitions, make her own webpage and so on. And one of the things she really likes to do is photography. Her father is a photographer and we have all the equipment so it was quite an obvious choice. So Anja agreed to prepare the photo exhibition in the school.

At first she was all for it, but gradually she lost the drive and we have to push her to go out and do the shooting. And she was all mad on us, because we get her those extra obligations she really doesn’t need or want. But somehow we get through it and she picked her best 16 photos. We get them printed and laminated and she put them up in the school hall, where she had opening ceremony, with teachers and her schoolmates attending. She was really proud and happy to finish the project. And we were proud as well.

Wanna see her photos? Click here.

But makes me wonder:

Are some parents so ignorant, afraid or what to stand up for their child rights?
Do they still believe that the child will get bad grades if you “fight” with the teachers?
That in the school the teachers are always right and you have nothing to say about it?
I really don’t support laziness and ignorance by my children, but when there is an injustice I always stand up for them and speak with the teacher (of course I don’t fight with them:).
And aren’t they curious how their child did on the tests?

I will never understand that. But that’s why I am no ordinary mom:)

By Winsome Coutts

Ever thought about Goal Setting for Kids? Goal setting is one of the most important skills that a person can learn, and the earlier this skill is learned, the more chances there are for successful outcomes in a person’s life. Adults know that goal setting is all about planning, making progress with that plan and reaching final goals or achievements. Once a child learns how to do this, they can use this tool for more success in school and at home.

Goal setting for kids will help your children to do well on their school tests and in activities such as sports, music programs or outside academic or arts programs – even at home, and with their personal finances. Teaching your child how to be a goal setter will give them a sense that they are capable of whatever they want to do. That’s valuable!

To learn more about Goal Setting for Kids, go to http://4lifehappykids.com

How to help your child be a goal setting child

Goal setting for children is basically the same as for adults, with a few caveats. Because they are young, and not as emotionally or cognitively developed, goals should be smaller and more tangible. The idea with goal setting for kids is to get them started in the life-long frame of mind for thinking, planning and taking action to achieve results. The basic premises of goal setting remain the same. You can help your child learn to set goals by working through these steps with him:

Ask, “What do you want to achieve?” – Help your child describe in specific terms something he would like to do that will take some work/planning (getting an A on his next math test, earning money to purchase a certain kind of bicycle).

Ask, “How will you get there?” – Help him plan out the steps to take and the mini-goals to reach on his way to the ultimate goal.

Establish accountability – Have your child write down what he wants to achieve and what his plan for getting there is. He can read it each day to help him with personal accountability, and he can share it with you, or another trusted adult to help him stay motivated, inspired and on-track.

Achieve – Achievement is not only for the final outcome, but also for the small goals that are met along the way.

Review plan/goals/outcomes – Throughout the process and at the end as well, review with your child the plan and how it is going. Do adjustments need to be made? How does he feel about his progress and where it is leading? How was the goal setting experience for him?

If your child does not reach his ultimate goal, talk to him about what he learned on the way. He still has learned valuable lessons about planning and goal setting, and he’s probably learned about himself. Encourage him to not give up on dreams that are important to him, but that if one plan doesn’t work, he has to revise the plan and try again.

Teaching your child to be a goal-setting child is one of the best things you can do.

You will be giving him or her, a valuable gift that they will use for their entire lives, empowering them to achieve wonderful things in every area of life. Goal setting for kids is a skill that will be built on throughout an entire lifetime.

For a fantastic resource about Goal Setting for kids, go to http://4lifehappykids.com 

  
Winsome Coutts holds a teacher’s certificate in education and has written hundreds of articles on self-development. She has studied with Bob Proctor and John Demartini, popular teachers featured on “The Secret” DVD. She is the passion behind the http://4lifehappykids.com and is a parent and grandparent.

Winsome is author of “Go for Your Goals” for kids – a set of downloadable e-books that guide your child through the joyful steps of learning visualization, goal-setting and the Law of Attraction. Simple language enhanced with beautiful illustrations and worksheets make these books appealing and motivating. To learn more, visit www.4lifehappykids.com